(no subject)
Jun. 17th, 2003 09:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenrileyJust letting everyone know I'm back in Texas now. I say back and not home because... well... if I didn't have Jeff waiting for me here, I probably wouldn't have come back. Home is in Virginia, and home will never be here. But I'm back anyway.
Catherine, I'm sorry I missed your birthday, so happy very belated birthday. I know you had a good time from reading your journal, and I'm glad. You deserve the best birthdays ever.
As for the past two weeks, it's been hard, as I helped keep my father from killing my grandmother (who made a remarkable recovery once we got there, and spent the rest of the time yelling at my mother), trying to keep my mother from getting stuck in the middle, and trying to keep my sister from having a nervous breakdown... all this while not having emotional issues myself because if I got upset than Alex would have gotten upset and she needed me too.
My grandmother has severe dementia. She yelled at my mother for things out of my mother's control, or for things my mother never said nor did. She called me by my mother's name pretty much every time I visited, or she just didn't know who I was when I was there. My sister was, in my grandmother's mind, an old friend of the family who is my grandmother's age, roughly. She spent most of the time calling Alex "Tine" which was my nickname when I was 2, as I couldn't say the Chris part of my name. It's still used amongst family ONLY (hear that, Jeremy, FAMILY ONLY). Her health is very poor. She has trouble breathing. She can't sit up or stand up on her own. Her legs and ankles are swollen to enourmous sizes. Her arms are covered in bruises that age brings, bruises that are now permanent residents on her skin. She does not even have the strength to open her fingers, so on both hands her fingers are fused together, or at least they appear that way. We are all hoping she dies soon, horrible as that sounds. This is not my grandmother. It's some other woman stuck in a body that looks like my grandmother. I just want it all to be over.
To all who offered support to me over the past two weeks, via email and phone calls, through random comments here and there, thank you very much. I don't think I could have pulled through all this stress without your help. Especially you, Ulfar dear, who offered probably the most support outside of my actual family.
To the select few of my close friends (those I have trusted explicitely with intimate details of my life), and I won't name names as that would be rude but you know who you are (I hope), who left one, two tops short lj comments, or said nothing at all... well... thanks for nothing, thanks to the locals who never even called my husband to find out how I was doing. Friends I have barely spoken to in two years came by to make sure Jeff was okay, to see if he needed anything, to get a number where they could reach me and find out how I was. But some people didn't bother, and I'm angry right now. I'll get over it eventually, but it hurt to hear from some and not others, others that I counted as my closest friends, those who would always be there when I needed them. Perhaps I'm overreacting, but I really needed people backing me up and now I found out who would and who wouldn't. Lovely slap in the face.
But most of you were supurb. Most of you were right there with me. You shared your own stories, and it helped. You offered a shoulder to cry on should I need it, and just the offer alone made me feel better. You all let me know that, should I need you for any reason, you were there. And for that I am endlessly in your debt. Somehow I will repay you in kind, though I hope it's never for the same reason I needed you. I'm lucky to have such friends as you.
Catherine, I'm sorry I missed your birthday, so happy very belated birthday. I know you had a good time from reading your journal, and I'm glad. You deserve the best birthdays ever.
As for the past two weeks, it's been hard, as I helped keep my father from killing my grandmother (who made a remarkable recovery once we got there, and spent the rest of the time yelling at my mother), trying to keep my mother from getting stuck in the middle, and trying to keep my sister from having a nervous breakdown... all this while not having emotional issues myself because if I got upset than Alex would have gotten upset and she needed me too.
My grandmother has severe dementia. She yelled at my mother for things out of my mother's control, or for things my mother never said nor did. She called me by my mother's name pretty much every time I visited, or she just didn't know who I was when I was there. My sister was, in my grandmother's mind, an old friend of the family who is my grandmother's age, roughly. She spent most of the time calling Alex "Tine" which was my nickname when I was 2, as I couldn't say the Chris part of my name. It's still used amongst family ONLY (hear that, Jeremy, FAMILY ONLY). Her health is very poor. She has trouble breathing. She can't sit up or stand up on her own. Her legs and ankles are swollen to enourmous sizes. Her arms are covered in bruises that age brings, bruises that are now permanent residents on her skin. She does not even have the strength to open her fingers, so on both hands her fingers are fused together, or at least they appear that way. We are all hoping she dies soon, horrible as that sounds. This is not my grandmother. It's some other woman stuck in a body that looks like my grandmother. I just want it all to be over.
To all who offered support to me over the past two weeks, via email and phone calls, through random comments here and there, thank you very much. I don't think I could have pulled through all this stress without your help. Especially you, Ulfar dear, who offered probably the most support outside of my actual family.
To the select few of my close friends (those I have trusted explicitely with intimate details of my life), and I won't name names as that would be rude but you know who you are (I hope), who left one, two tops short lj comments, or said nothing at all... well... thanks for nothing, thanks to the locals who never even called my husband to find out how I was doing. Friends I have barely spoken to in two years came by to make sure Jeff was okay, to see if he needed anything, to get a number where they could reach me and find out how I was. But some people didn't bother, and I'm angry right now. I'll get over it eventually, but it hurt to hear from some and not others, others that I counted as my closest friends, those who would always be there when I needed them. Perhaps I'm overreacting, but I really needed people backing me up and now I found out who would and who wouldn't. Lovely slap in the face.
But most of you were supurb. Most of you were right there with me. You shared your own stories, and it helped. You offered a shoulder to cry on should I need it, and just the offer alone made me feel better. You all let me know that, should I need you for any reason, you were there. And for that I am endlessly in your debt. Somehow I will repay you in kind, though I hope it's never for the same reason I needed you. I'm lucky to have such friends as you.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-17 08:19 am (UTC)Catherine
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-17 09:44 am (UTC)I have a history of being so immersed in my work that friends can go to hospital and back without me stopping by. Predictably, this behaviour has cost me some friendships. I'm working on becoming more altruistic right now.
This may not make the disappointment go away, but maybe it's easier to bear ...
Re:
Date: 2003-06-17 03:23 pm (UTC)Mostly I was just venting a little anger. It's not been an easy month for me, so I'm a little testy lately.
You were certainly not one of the people I was angry with, however, so I hope you don't think you were.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-17 10:30 am (UTC)What you desribed your grandmother to be like now, that is probably my biggest fear for my own parents. I totally understand that you'd rather she died, even if it sounds horrible to say 'out loud'... :(
~ M
...
Date: 2003-06-17 11:14 am (UTC)When was the last time I did that? When was the last time I did it without realizing that it'd make someone yell about it? The only reason I ever did it was because Jeff told me not to. I only stopped because you told me to.
"Lovely slap in the face."
Christine, you know better. I never go visit Jeff, I visit you. I wouldn't go to him to check up on you, because it never seems like he knows what the fuck is going on. Jeff is, on the whole, an insensetive prick and usually has no idea what you think or feel so I do not ask him questions about you. I know better. Now that you are home, however, I AM glad that I can talk to you about your stay.
Please do not always confuse love for you with love for Jeff.
I love Jeff in a way, but I'm a bit peeved at him right now.
"But some people didn't bother"
Some people chose not to.
If I were on a FAMILY trip, dealing with the sickness or possibly DEATH of a relative, I would NOT be happy if my friends called me whilst I was busy. Therefore, I would not instinctively CALL anyone who was on such a trip. I would call ONLY if instructed to do so.
Christine, your welfare and health, both mental and physical was discussed SEVERAL times over the course of the time you were gone. Just because you don't like how people chose to DEAL with your absense, doesn't mean they didn't care. Please understand, that NO ONE forgets you or will ever.
A certain "close" frind of yours actually made silent prayers to any deity listning, that you might not come back, because she knew you will never be happy here.
We all love you to death, dear. Please do not confuse RATIONAL descisions with ignorance or indifference. We are glad you are home safe.
Give love to the Marshmellow Princess
Jeremy
Re: ...
Date: 2003-06-17 03:26 pm (UTC)I was mostly venting.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-17 11:57 am (UTC)Sorry about your "friends"
:(
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-17 02:56 pm (UTC)I'm sorry to hear about your friends, the ones who weren't really there for you. Perhaps they've got legitimate reasons for not being around, perhaps not. But it does give you an idea of who your real friends are, doesn't it?
Take care of yourself. You seem to have gone through quite a few things this year and you're still keeping afloat. Keep your chin up. Sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, all things do get better. ::Hugs::
DA