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Insomnia...
Sep. 14th, 2002 10:19 pmI'm exhausted. I'm more than exhausted. But yet, I can't sleep. I can lay down and close my eyes and relax my body, but I can't sleep. I can quiet my mind and play soothing music, but I can't sleep. I hate insomnia. It leads me to think about things that just depress me, like the events of this whole week so far. I hate my life right now. I know it will get better. It has to. I don't think it could get much worse.
For starters, the one good thing of this week (well, two I guess). I now earn $75 a week for babysitting a little girl before and after school (which is only 2 hours for her... she's in pre-K) so while it's anywhere from 8 to 10 hours a day and I have her from 5:30 am, it's money, so that's something. The second good thing is the doctors finally decided Meme (Jeff's grandmother who has been very very sick... don't know if I posted on that yet... the girl I'm babysitting is the one she's been watching since the kid was 5 months old, but is now too sick to watch) was sick enough that they needed to opperate and remove the implant that is causing the major infection which is part of why she's been so sick. Hopefully she'll come through the surgery and everything will be okay. That happens Wednesday. I'll let you know.
Now, for the rest of the week. While being a good kid and therefore mostly fun to watch, the little girl is very active (moreso than most 4 year olds, but she's well behaved) and so that just makes me even more tired. I have to get up 5:30 or a little before so I'm up and ready when she gets here, but then I can't go to sleep until nearly 11 every night simply because I can't fall asleep (besides, after Alex goes to bed at 8 I've way too much to do around the house to go to bed right away). It's restless sleep, however, and doesn't do much good. Anybody who is married and has their husband away on business or for a military leave (ask Katinka, she'll understand) will tell you this: after you spend however long sleeping in the same bed with another person, sleeping without them is lonely and difficult, no matter how much you think it will be better. I miss Jeff. My body misses him at night. The two cats that curl up with me, while helping some, don't help enough. So I wake up often. So I'm tired... a lot.
Also, Jeff is still jobless and still has not heard a single thing from anybody. His mother's company keeps telling him they are waiting on word from higher up in the company, but it's been two weeks... it looks like he won't get the job. Nobody else has called for an interview, and if he calls them he hears the same things over and over "You have too much experiance." "You don't have enough experiance." "We aren't really hiring, but we'll keep your application/resume on file." "You are overqualified." "You are underqualified." "You made too much money at previous jobs and will leave here as soon as something better comes along. We need stability in our employees." "We've filled the position, but we'll keep your resume/application on file." Everything they could come up with, he's heard it. Even outside of Houston, we are out of luck. Waco would have hired him but we had nowhere to live and no help getting a place to live, so he turned it down. My parents wouldn't cosign on an apartment so he could take that job because they wouldn't support the "dumb decision" of having Alex and myself move up there right away rather than having him live there for 3 or 4 months without us first, and they wouldn't lend him a car so he could get around, and they wouldn't help him find an inexpensive car so he could get around. All sorts of mess, but his parents gave the same reasons, only they wouldn't co-sign because they wanted us to stay in the area so they could see "us" (meaning Alex) more than they would if we were in Waco. So he's seemed to have given up trying... he sleeps all day, is up all night, plays games, talks online, and sends a resume or two a week via email to places he finds through a job search engine that mails him job opportunities... but he doesn't go looking anymore.
I'm desperate to get out of my parent's house. I want on my own again. I want to live in my own place and raise Alex how I want to, not how they want to. I want to be able to sleep in the same bed with my husband. I want to be able to eat dinner with my family. I'd like to take laundry out of the dryer and not fold it right away without getting dirty looks and comments thrown at me about how messy I am. I want to be able to leave an empty soda can on the table overnight until morning because I'm too tired to rinse it out and put it in recycle without getting told to pick it up. I don't want to have to organize my daughter's toys every night. If they are back in her toybox, who cares if all her stacking rings are on the post and all the shapes are in her car? I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not doing everything around the house because I don't have a real job, I just stay home and take care of Alex and now the 4 year old, but my mother did that on her own and kept things much cleaner than I do. I don't want to be told I'm a wuss every time I have a headache. I don't want to be told I don't mop the kitchen floor right. I don't want to spank my daughter for pulling a book off the table or throwing food on the floor when she doesn't want it (but if I don't and they do, she doesn't ever listen to me, only them, and it's very counterproductive). I don't want to smack her hand away from things she shouldn't have. I do not want to hit my child, even the lightest pat, for misbehaving. I want to be able to feed her what I think she wants or should have. I don't want to be made to feel like a poor mother for giving her a cheese sandwich for dinner instead of something with meat and vegetables in it (especially when she had fruit and yogurt for lunch). I don't want my mother to fold Alex's clothes because I don't do it right away. I don't want her to go through and pick out what Alex cannot fit into anymore because I haven't done it yet and she's outgrown three outfits. I don't want her to wash Alex's clothes because I didn't do it (and I only didn't because she said she had a lot of laundry to do today... I didn't know she meant Alex's stuff). I don't want my mother to make appointments to service my car or for Alex's doctor visits because she thinks I won't do them in a timely manner. I'm tired of it. I want out. I want my own life. I want to be an adult. I want to be the mother to my daughter, the wife to my husband, and me to myself.
Jeff has spent the past two days at a concert (and he hates concerts) for a band that he suddenly started to like (after despising them with a passion). I called him this evening because he hadn't bothered to call me like he said he would (again) and he says he's having the greatest time and he loves it and he's going hoarse from screaming so much. The concert is great, the people are great, it's the best thing in the world to him. I'm glad he's having fun and I'm glad he's found something he likes, but I'm worried about it. Two of the people he is living with got him hooked on it, and neither of them have jobs or are even trying to have jobs. They spend all their time promoting the band and driving all over Texas to set up for the shows, and they do it all for free. I'm scared Jeff will get pulled into that. He says he won't, but he didn't like them before. And he didn't like concerts before (but he likes this band in concert, only band he'll ever see in concert again because all other concerts suck... which means there go my hopes of ever seeing anybody I want to see live).
Girls hit on him at these concerts, which doesn't worry me as I know he won't cheat on me, but it makes me a little jealous for one simple selfish stuck up reason. He's getting hit on. I never get hit on. Guys don't hit on mums. Even if I'm dressed up and in a skirt and I bother to attempt to wear make up and do my hair, guys don't hit on me. Men don't turn to look at me as I walk by. Men never tell their friends they'd like to "do me" or anything. But Jeff gets hit on. By girls. At concerts.
I get so angry at my mother, and I can't talk about what she did to upset me to Jeff because that just fuels his hate. I get angry at Jeff but can't talk to my mother about it because it fuels her hate. So I go on pretending that everything is fine and dandy with the both of them at all times. But anything good I say to either about the other is dismissed or invalidated with something else. So I can't win. I won't talk to my father about it. He's already put at a crossroads with my mother (he loves her, and he likes Jeff, but she's always telling him how horrible Jeff is) and my sister (for the same reason). I can't talk to my sister about Jeff because she hates him. I can't talk to her about our mother because she then tells her that I'm angry and acting like a spoilt child. I'm at a loss... there is nothing and nobody except this live journal, which I suppose is a pretty sad state to be in.
I suppose this all sounds very petty and selfish, and right now I really don't care that it does. I'm just so... irritated and sleepy and upset. I spend most of my days like this now and that's just not right. It shouldn't be like this.
For starters, the one good thing of this week (well, two I guess). I now earn $75 a week for babysitting a little girl before and after school (which is only 2 hours for her... she's in pre-K) so while it's anywhere from 8 to 10 hours a day and I have her from 5:30 am, it's money, so that's something. The second good thing is the doctors finally decided Meme (Jeff's grandmother who has been very very sick... don't know if I posted on that yet... the girl I'm babysitting is the one she's been watching since the kid was 5 months old, but is now too sick to watch) was sick enough that they needed to opperate and remove the implant that is causing the major infection which is part of why she's been so sick. Hopefully she'll come through the surgery and everything will be okay. That happens Wednesday. I'll let you know.
Now, for the rest of the week. While being a good kid and therefore mostly fun to watch, the little girl is very active (moreso than most 4 year olds, but she's well behaved) and so that just makes me even more tired. I have to get up 5:30 or a little before so I'm up and ready when she gets here, but then I can't go to sleep until nearly 11 every night simply because I can't fall asleep (besides, after Alex goes to bed at 8 I've way too much to do around the house to go to bed right away). It's restless sleep, however, and doesn't do much good. Anybody who is married and has their husband away on business or for a military leave (ask Katinka, she'll understand) will tell you this: after you spend however long sleeping in the same bed with another person, sleeping without them is lonely and difficult, no matter how much you think it will be better. I miss Jeff. My body misses him at night. The two cats that curl up with me, while helping some, don't help enough. So I wake up often. So I'm tired... a lot.
Also, Jeff is still jobless and still has not heard a single thing from anybody. His mother's company keeps telling him they are waiting on word from higher up in the company, but it's been two weeks... it looks like he won't get the job. Nobody else has called for an interview, and if he calls them he hears the same things over and over "You have too much experiance." "You don't have enough experiance." "We aren't really hiring, but we'll keep your application/resume on file." "You are overqualified." "You are underqualified." "You made too much money at previous jobs and will leave here as soon as something better comes along. We need stability in our employees." "We've filled the position, but we'll keep your resume/application on file." Everything they could come up with, he's heard it. Even outside of Houston, we are out of luck. Waco would have hired him but we had nowhere to live and no help getting a place to live, so he turned it down. My parents wouldn't cosign on an apartment so he could take that job because they wouldn't support the "dumb decision" of having Alex and myself move up there right away rather than having him live there for 3 or 4 months without us first, and they wouldn't lend him a car so he could get around, and they wouldn't help him find an inexpensive car so he could get around. All sorts of mess, but his parents gave the same reasons, only they wouldn't co-sign because they wanted us to stay in the area so they could see "us" (meaning Alex) more than they would if we were in Waco. So he's seemed to have given up trying... he sleeps all day, is up all night, plays games, talks online, and sends a resume or two a week via email to places he finds through a job search engine that mails him job opportunities... but he doesn't go looking anymore.
I'm desperate to get out of my parent's house. I want on my own again. I want to live in my own place and raise Alex how I want to, not how they want to. I want to be able to sleep in the same bed with my husband. I want to be able to eat dinner with my family. I'd like to take laundry out of the dryer and not fold it right away without getting dirty looks and comments thrown at me about how messy I am. I want to be able to leave an empty soda can on the table overnight until morning because I'm too tired to rinse it out and put it in recycle without getting told to pick it up. I don't want to have to organize my daughter's toys every night. If they are back in her toybox, who cares if all her stacking rings are on the post and all the shapes are in her car? I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not doing everything around the house because I don't have a real job, I just stay home and take care of Alex and now the 4 year old, but my mother did that on her own and kept things much cleaner than I do. I don't want to be told I'm a wuss every time I have a headache. I don't want to be told I don't mop the kitchen floor right. I don't want to spank my daughter for pulling a book off the table or throwing food on the floor when she doesn't want it (but if I don't and they do, she doesn't ever listen to me, only them, and it's very counterproductive). I don't want to smack her hand away from things she shouldn't have. I do not want to hit my child, even the lightest pat, for misbehaving. I want to be able to feed her what I think she wants or should have. I don't want to be made to feel like a poor mother for giving her a cheese sandwich for dinner instead of something with meat and vegetables in it (especially when she had fruit and yogurt for lunch). I don't want my mother to fold Alex's clothes because I don't do it right away. I don't want her to go through and pick out what Alex cannot fit into anymore because I haven't done it yet and she's outgrown three outfits. I don't want her to wash Alex's clothes because I didn't do it (and I only didn't because she said she had a lot of laundry to do today... I didn't know she meant Alex's stuff). I don't want my mother to make appointments to service my car or for Alex's doctor visits because she thinks I won't do them in a timely manner. I'm tired of it. I want out. I want my own life. I want to be an adult. I want to be the mother to my daughter, the wife to my husband, and me to myself.
Jeff has spent the past two days at a concert (and he hates concerts) for a band that he suddenly started to like (after despising them with a passion). I called him this evening because he hadn't bothered to call me like he said he would (again) and he says he's having the greatest time and he loves it and he's going hoarse from screaming so much. The concert is great, the people are great, it's the best thing in the world to him. I'm glad he's having fun and I'm glad he's found something he likes, but I'm worried about it. Two of the people he is living with got him hooked on it, and neither of them have jobs or are even trying to have jobs. They spend all their time promoting the band and driving all over Texas to set up for the shows, and they do it all for free. I'm scared Jeff will get pulled into that. He says he won't, but he didn't like them before. And he didn't like concerts before (but he likes this band in concert, only band he'll ever see in concert again because all other concerts suck... which means there go my hopes of ever seeing anybody I want to see live).
Girls hit on him at these concerts, which doesn't worry me as I know he won't cheat on me, but it makes me a little jealous for one simple selfish stuck up reason. He's getting hit on. I never get hit on. Guys don't hit on mums. Even if I'm dressed up and in a skirt and I bother to attempt to wear make up and do my hair, guys don't hit on me. Men don't turn to look at me as I walk by. Men never tell their friends they'd like to "do me" or anything. But Jeff gets hit on. By girls. At concerts.
I get so angry at my mother, and I can't talk about what she did to upset me to Jeff because that just fuels his hate. I get angry at Jeff but can't talk to my mother about it because it fuels her hate. So I go on pretending that everything is fine and dandy with the both of them at all times. But anything good I say to either about the other is dismissed or invalidated with something else. So I can't win. I won't talk to my father about it. He's already put at a crossroads with my mother (he loves her, and he likes Jeff, but she's always telling him how horrible Jeff is) and my sister (for the same reason). I can't talk to my sister about Jeff because she hates him. I can't talk to her about our mother because she then tells her that I'm angry and acting like a spoilt child. I'm at a loss... there is nothing and nobody except this live journal, which I suppose is a pretty sad state to be in.
I suppose this all sounds very petty and selfish, and right now I really don't care that it does. I'm just so... irritated and sleepy and upset. I spend most of my days like this now and that's just not right. It shouldn't be like this.
