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Sep. 10th, 2003 07:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenrileyI have, as of late, done either a very bad job of being social or a very good job of being antisocial. And I'm not entirely sure why, as I don't want to be antisocial right now. In fact, I want to be around people, spend time with my friends, talk online to those I cannot see in person. Yet for some reason I've been unintentionally isolating myself, and I didn't really see that until today.
I have all kinds of things to say, but nothing I particularly want to say. My life is good, bad, good... it's whatever. It's there. Days are a bit of a blur and I can either muster too much emotion for something or not enough. It's odd. I'm not depressed, yet I'm not elated either. I'm not sad or down, but I'm not exactly happy. I'll break out of it eventually.
I've been thinking of my high school days lately. My brain keeps focusing on a certain person and how he affected me, and I him, 8 or so years ago. I was a sophomore, he a senior. I was brought into the group of friends by another, one I considered my best friend (funny story with that... I ran away from him the first time he spoke to me... literally ran away, yet by that afternoon he was my best friend), and somehow attached myself to this young man. I fell head over heals in love with him, and while most love from a 15 year old is fleeting, I think what I felt for him was pretty real, pretty true, and my first real brush with love. It was not of the magnitude I feel with Jeff, yet it was definately love. It has never gone away, never disapated since, yet it has changed, hardened and turned away from romance. He didn't love me. In fact, he dated a good female friend of mine. I regret to say that the way I acted towards him while he was with her, and the way he responded in kind, was very cruel to her. I feel bad about it now, but I didn't know the pain it would have caused then. She was a good girl and because I loved him, I felt I deserved him. I actively persued him, though not for a relationship because he already had a girlfriend. He'd walk with me, holding hands. He'd ignore her for me. I was blind at 15 to what that must have done to her, but now I wonder how she managed to stay friends with me then. When they broke up, I was cruel to him, because he hurt her. I hated myself for acting that way to him, yet I felt guilty for wanting to be with him after he'd hurt my friend. It was very confussing and I lashed out at him. We eventually became friends again, shortly before he graduated, and grew particularly close that summer before he left for college and I started my junior year. Sometimes I wonder how close he felt to me, how much he really cared, because he'd talk to me as if we were together and had been for years, yet he'd go and act on what was said with another girl and not me. I loved him through it all and I kept waiting for him to come to me for that. I let him know how I felt before he graduated, though I never once got a straight answer from him as to his feelings for me. I was assured by other people that he really did like me, that he had feelings for me, yet he never took those feelings anywhere, so I still to this day wonder if he had them or not. We did kiss once, and it was a big deal because he was not one for kissing. I remember, at the time it happened, it was heaven for me. I was walking on air for days afterwards, though it never happened again, and he broke my heart shortly after... more than once.
I realize now what I didn't realize then. Neither of us were grown up enough to know what was going on, what to do, or how we really felt. He may have been grown up enough to realize at the time, but I certainly wasn't, that he and I would never have worked out as a couple. At the time I was still an angry bitter atheist. He was a devout Southern Baptist. To my knowledge he still is to this day, though even if I weren't with Jeff and didn't have Alex and was still in romantic love with him we wouldn't work out. Southern Baptists don't tend to marry Jews, and even if they did, he'd never let our children be raised Jewish. Of that I'm sure. And I couldn't bear the thought of any of my kids being Southern Baptist, not unless they chose it for themselves when they were old enough to really make an educated decision on it. He loved to argue, and was good at manipulating... that may be what he did with me. He knew I had feelings and he knew he could get me to do whatever he wanted, and he did on numerous occasions. I was clay in his hands. But then again, it may not have been intentional manipulation. He may really have had feelings for me. I'm stubborn and hate to argue. My feelings are hurt entirely too easily. And he loves it here. I hate it here. He wanted to live in Australia (maybe still does) while I want England. We are on opposite ends of the globe. Honestly though, I think, if we'd stayed good friends, if I hadn't fallen in love with Jeff, we might have worked out. The only thing in the way is religion, which is a big thing, but everything else could have been worked around.
I suppose I'm just rambling, getting my thoughts out. I'm sure none of you are interested and most of you (except bevo) are confussed... and even she is probably, as she doesn't know everything about me and said young man (though if she asks, I'll tell her, cause I love her).
It's also gotten me thinking about a girl I used to be close to, a girl I've severed myself from for numerous reasons. I may do an entry on her tomorrow, because this is long enough as is. But I miss her. And I wish things were different. I may write her, see if things can't change between us, see if we can't go back a little, be friends again. Because we were close, very close. And I do miss her quite a bit. But it will depend on her, if I do write. If her views have changed and she can let something drop, it might work. If things haven't changed for her, then we'll probably never be friends again.
Sometimes I wish I was back in high school, knowing then what I know now. I would do so many things differently. I would sieze the day. I wouldn't be afraid. I would stand up and say this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it. And I think things would have been a lot better. Maybe I would have gotten the boy. Maybe not. Maybe it would have been somebody else. But I can't go back and change it. I am where I am supposed to be in life, whether I like my current situation or not. I just have to make due and stop wondering "what if?" Dangerous words, those. What if...
I have all kinds of things to say, but nothing I particularly want to say. My life is good, bad, good... it's whatever. It's there. Days are a bit of a blur and I can either muster too much emotion for something or not enough. It's odd. I'm not depressed, yet I'm not elated either. I'm not sad or down, but I'm not exactly happy. I'll break out of it eventually.
I've been thinking of my high school days lately. My brain keeps focusing on a certain person and how he affected me, and I him, 8 or so years ago. I was a sophomore, he a senior. I was brought into the group of friends by another, one I considered my best friend (funny story with that... I ran away from him the first time he spoke to me... literally ran away, yet by that afternoon he was my best friend), and somehow attached myself to this young man. I fell head over heals in love with him, and while most love from a 15 year old is fleeting, I think what I felt for him was pretty real, pretty true, and my first real brush with love. It was not of the magnitude I feel with Jeff, yet it was definately love. It has never gone away, never disapated since, yet it has changed, hardened and turned away from romance. He didn't love me. In fact, he dated a good female friend of mine. I regret to say that the way I acted towards him while he was with her, and the way he responded in kind, was very cruel to her. I feel bad about it now, but I didn't know the pain it would have caused then. She was a good girl and because I loved him, I felt I deserved him. I actively persued him, though not for a relationship because he already had a girlfriend. He'd walk with me, holding hands. He'd ignore her for me. I was blind at 15 to what that must have done to her, but now I wonder how she managed to stay friends with me then. When they broke up, I was cruel to him, because he hurt her. I hated myself for acting that way to him, yet I felt guilty for wanting to be with him after he'd hurt my friend. It was very confussing and I lashed out at him. We eventually became friends again, shortly before he graduated, and grew particularly close that summer before he left for college and I started my junior year. Sometimes I wonder how close he felt to me, how much he really cared, because he'd talk to me as if we were together and had been for years, yet he'd go and act on what was said with another girl and not me. I loved him through it all and I kept waiting for him to come to me for that. I let him know how I felt before he graduated, though I never once got a straight answer from him as to his feelings for me. I was assured by other people that he really did like me, that he had feelings for me, yet he never took those feelings anywhere, so I still to this day wonder if he had them or not. We did kiss once, and it was a big deal because he was not one for kissing. I remember, at the time it happened, it was heaven for me. I was walking on air for days afterwards, though it never happened again, and he broke my heart shortly after... more than once.
I realize now what I didn't realize then. Neither of us were grown up enough to know what was going on, what to do, or how we really felt. He may have been grown up enough to realize at the time, but I certainly wasn't, that he and I would never have worked out as a couple. At the time I was still an angry bitter atheist. He was a devout Southern Baptist. To my knowledge he still is to this day, though even if I weren't with Jeff and didn't have Alex and was still in romantic love with him we wouldn't work out. Southern Baptists don't tend to marry Jews, and even if they did, he'd never let our children be raised Jewish. Of that I'm sure. And I couldn't bear the thought of any of my kids being Southern Baptist, not unless they chose it for themselves when they were old enough to really make an educated decision on it. He loved to argue, and was good at manipulating... that may be what he did with me. He knew I had feelings and he knew he could get me to do whatever he wanted, and he did on numerous occasions. I was clay in his hands. But then again, it may not have been intentional manipulation. He may really have had feelings for me. I'm stubborn and hate to argue. My feelings are hurt entirely too easily. And he loves it here. I hate it here. He wanted to live in Australia (maybe still does) while I want England. We are on opposite ends of the globe. Honestly though, I think, if we'd stayed good friends, if I hadn't fallen in love with Jeff, we might have worked out. The only thing in the way is religion, which is a big thing, but everything else could have been worked around.
I suppose I'm just rambling, getting my thoughts out. I'm sure none of you are interested and most of you (except bevo) are confussed... and even she is probably, as she doesn't know everything about me and said young man (though if she asks, I'll tell her, cause I love her).
It's also gotten me thinking about a girl I used to be close to, a girl I've severed myself from for numerous reasons. I may do an entry on her tomorrow, because this is long enough as is. But I miss her. And I wish things were different. I may write her, see if things can't change between us, see if we can't go back a little, be friends again. Because we were close, very close. And I do miss her quite a bit. But it will depend on her, if I do write. If her views have changed and she can let something drop, it might work. If things haven't changed for her, then we'll probably never be friends again.
Sometimes I wish I was back in high school, knowing then what I know now. I would do so many things differently. I would sieze the day. I wouldn't be afraid. I would stand up and say this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it. And I think things would have been a lot better. Maybe I would have gotten the boy. Maybe not. Maybe it would have been somebody else. But I can't go back and change it. I am where I am supposed to be in life, whether I like my current situation or not. I just have to make due and stop wondering "what if?" Dangerous words, those. What if...
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-10 06:14 pm (UTC)Thanks for the story, sweetie. Looking back is always something, isn't it?
(no subject)
Date: 2003-09-10 10:32 pm (UTC)