A confussing jumble of emotions...
May. 19th, 2002 01:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenrileyWell I'm happy, sad, angry, depressed, and just about everything else all at once. We'll see how I am at the end of this entry. Let's start with why I'm sad and depressed as focusing on the happy at the end may help cheer me up.
Reasons QueenRiley is sad and depressed:
-Jason is gone. I love Jason with all my heart. I miss Jason. It's very depressing to sign on and he's not there. Jason, if you are reading this, please find some way to let me know you are okay... please? I want to be your friend, and I want to help you. I just need to know that you are okay.
-My daughter is allergic to a bug that keeps biting her. We haven't found it yet. I changed her sheets yesterday, cleared out her crib, washed everything. And last night she still woke up screaming with big red welts on her back from where the bug bit her. I wasn't even home. I was at Computer Pro (Jeff's friend's computer shop) picking Jeff up from "work" and waiting on him to hurry up so we could leave. On top of that, my parents seem to think I'm irresponsible because my daughter is getting bitten by some bug. For cripes sake, she's sleeping in my bedroom right now because hers is occupied, I scoured the room and the crib for anything with no signs of bugs. Neither Jeff nor I are getting bitten. I changed her sheets. I'm making a doctors appointment for her Monday. What else am I supposed to do? They told me to put her in long sleeves and pants with socks to go to bed in hopes the bug won't bite through her clothes. It's Texas. It's the end of May. It's hotter than hot outside (except today we got a cold front... odd) and the house doesn't cool down well. I'm not overheating my child, so she goes to bed in a diaper. *sigh*
-At dinner Wednesday night my mother was talking about her mother, who happens to be very ill and living in a nursing home halfway across the country. Nanny (my grandmother) never approved of the way Anne (my sister) and I were brought up. So my mother is talking about how she wasn't sweating it because I didn't drink or do drugs, I didn't steal, lie, or cheat. I spoke up and said "I'm a good kid." and she sighed, responded with "Yeah, well... we won't go there." and looked straight at Alex. So to her I'm still a kid who screwed up and had a baby. She swears over and over, and has since I got pregnant, that she was never upset about it, but she often throws out little comments that make me realize otherwise. I'm not an irresponsible kid. I'm with the father of the baby. We were together for two years before I got pregnant. It's life, it happens. I just hate to know that, even after striving my whole life to make my parents proud, I have failed them miserably... again.
-When Circe is in need of comfort, she can talk to Edward about things going on. She can curl up with him in bed and smell him and all can be right in the world for her. Me... I don't have that. I have a husband that laughs and tells me I'm being silly when I try to talk about my online friends. I go to bed alone every night and wake up in the morning with him hogging the blanket and the bed in his sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with the baby, only to find my husband awake and refusing to take care of her because "She's in our room, she'll keep you up anyway. I'm busy. You weren't doing anything in the first place." We were doing so well for awhile there too. At least I can go and watch my daughter sleep. That's comforting.
Okay, reasons why QueenRiley is angry:
-I love Jason. I miss Jason. He's gone, and it's his choice that he left me. So far as I know, I've done nothing wrong, but he left me anyway. I'm a little miffed about that. Of course, if he even contacted me, we all know I'd become a big pile of mush and cry and be elated and forget that I was ever upset with him. :) I love my friends too much to stay angry for long.
And now, reasons why QueenRiley is happy:
-I got my computer back, finally. It's been about a month since it got sickly on me. Jeff took it up to Computer Pro and figured out it needed a new hard drive. It took him a month to get off his lazy butt and get me one. It's not like he has to pay for them, he just does a little extra work around the shop and he is given one for his time and effort. But it's back now and I'm happy.
-Star Wars is out in theaters and I love Star Wars. I'll get to see it twice before the run is over. I'm happy. I'm such a geek.
And that's it. More to be unhappy about than happy... but I don't know. I still feel it all. *sigh* It's just a bad day. It'll be better later. I'll update tonight with good stuff.
Reasons QueenRiley is sad and depressed:
-Jason is gone. I love Jason with all my heart. I miss Jason. It's very depressing to sign on and he's not there. Jason, if you are reading this, please find some way to let me know you are okay... please? I want to be your friend, and I want to help you. I just need to know that you are okay.
-My daughter is allergic to a bug that keeps biting her. We haven't found it yet. I changed her sheets yesterday, cleared out her crib, washed everything. And last night she still woke up screaming with big red welts on her back from where the bug bit her. I wasn't even home. I was at Computer Pro (Jeff's friend's computer shop) picking Jeff up from "work" and waiting on him to hurry up so we could leave. On top of that, my parents seem to think I'm irresponsible because my daughter is getting bitten by some bug. For cripes sake, she's sleeping in my bedroom right now because hers is occupied, I scoured the room and the crib for anything with no signs of bugs. Neither Jeff nor I are getting bitten. I changed her sheets. I'm making a doctors appointment for her Monday. What else am I supposed to do? They told me to put her in long sleeves and pants with socks to go to bed in hopes the bug won't bite through her clothes. It's Texas. It's the end of May. It's hotter than hot outside (except today we got a cold front... odd) and the house doesn't cool down well. I'm not overheating my child, so she goes to bed in a diaper. *sigh*
-At dinner Wednesday night my mother was talking about her mother, who happens to be very ill and living in a nursing home halfway across the country. Nanny (my grandmother) never approved of the way Anne (my sister) and I were brought up. So my mother is talking about how she wasn't sweating it because I didn't drink or do drugs, I didn't steal, lie, or cheat. I spoke up and said "I'm a good kid." and she sighed, responded with "Yeah, well... we won't go there." and looked straight at Alex. So to her I'm still a kid who screwed up and had a baby. She swears over and over, and has since I got pregnant, that she was never upset about it, but she often throws out little comments that make me realize otherwise. I'm not an irresponsible kid. I'm with the father of the baby. We were together for two years before I got pregnant. It's life, it happens. I just hate to know that, even after striving my whole life to make my parents proud, I have failed them miserably... again.
-When Circe is in need of comfort, she can talk to Edward about things going on. She can curl up with him in bed and smell him and all can be right in the world for her. Me... I don't have that. I have a husband that laughs and tells me I'm being silly when I try to talk about my online friends. I go to bed alone every night and wake up in the morning with him hogging the blanket and the bed in his sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with the baby, only to find my husband awake and refusing to take care of her because "She's in our room, she'll keep you up anyway. I'm busy. You weren't doing anything in the first place." We were doing so well for awhile there too. At least I can go and watch my daughter sleep. That's comforting.
Okay, reasons why QueenRiley is angry:
-I love Jason. I miss Jason. He's gone, and it's his choice that he left me. So far as I know, I've done nothing wrong, but he left me anyway. I'm a little miffed about that. Of course, if he even contacted me, we all know I'd become a big pile of mush and cry and be elated and forget that I was ever upset with him. :) I love my friends too much to stay angry for long.
And now, reasons why QueenRiley is happy:
-I got my computer back, finally. It's been about a month since it got sickly on me. Jeff took it up to Computer Pro and figured out it needed a new hard drive. It took him a month to get off his lazy butt and get me one. It's not like he has to pay for them, he just does a little extra work around the shop and he is given one for his time and effort. But it's back now and I'm happy.
-Star Wars is out in theaters and I love Star Wars. I'll get to see it twice before the run is over. I'm happy. I'm such a geek.
And that's it. More to be unhappy about than happy... but I don't know. I still feel it all. *sigh* It's just a bad day. It'll be better later. I'll update tonight with good stuff.
