(no subject)
Feb. 25th, 2003 05:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
queenrileyRealized I hadn't updated in awhile. Feel I really ought to.
I've been very depressed and unhappy lately, and I really can't figure out why. Is it because my uterus hates me? Maybe. Is it because my ovarian cysts came and kicked my Rass two weeks ago? Maybe. Is it because I'm due and I always get really really really psychotic when I'm due for my monthly visitor? Probably.
I've had this problem for awhile now. In January of 1992 my father moved to Texas while my mother, sister, and I stayed behind to sell the house. I was 10, a few months shy of 11. That's when some of my more depressionish tendancies started to come out. Everyone thought I would adjust after the move. I didn't. I had to be hospitalized. Nobody else noticed something particular about my mood dips and peaks, something I noticed after a few years. I have what is loosely defined as ovarian cysts. This means two weeks before every period I experiance some very nasty stabbing pain for a few days. I'll leave you to figure out why, or you can email for an explination if you're that brave and have a strong enough stomach for it. I also have this issue where I go from just depressed to actually psychotic right before my period. I mean really psychotic. Throwing things, hitting, breaking things, suicidal thoughts... all of it, over the simplist things, like Jeff didn't change the litterbox or I didn't mash the potatoes enough for dinner. Small things like that set me off. I go back to my normal depressed state after I start my period. Jeff noticed this, and he brushes it off as me being a normal typical female, but I don't think normal typical females react quite this strongly right before their periods... I mean... do any of you have suicidal thoughts for no apparent reason right before your period? Every single month?
And imagine, this has been going on for over half my life. I started when I was 10, and while I didn't really have psychotic episodes until I was about 12 or 13, I would get really low.
I don't know why exactly I told all of you this, I just felt like updating and this is what popped in my head to talk about.
About the only interesting thing to happen is Jeff and I got a bed on Saturday. A real bed. We aren't sleeping on the floor anymore, which is nice. It's a king size bed, which I don't like because I feel incredibly small in it, but it's what Jeff wanted. And I understand why he wanted it because he's really too big to fit comfortably on even a queen, but still... now it means we sleep on opposite ends the bed, so even when he's in it, I don't feel like I'm sleeping in a bed with somebody. I feel lonely, at least until 6 or 6:30 when Alex climbs out of her bed and wakes me up. I drag her in our bed with me and she lays there for about half an hour before she wants either of us to get up. That's nice. Because she lays curled up right beside me and sometimes she puts her little hands on my cheeks and says, in a very happy baby sigh, "Mumum". That feels good. It makes my heart happy.
Also, changed my lj icon. See it? That right up there? Yeah. I used to be able to do that. I miss doing that. It was calming. It was relaxing. It cleared my mind. For an hour a week I was perfectly happy. And all because I was on the back of a horse and we were sailing through the air over these massive jumps. It's as close as I've ever come to flying, showjumping is. Sometimes I feel so stiffled I want to go spend the rather large amount of money that we don't have on the lessons again, just so I can be happy for that one hour, just so I can do something right, just so I can fly. It's the best high I've ever had.
I've been very depressed and unhappy lately, and I really can't figure out why. Is it because my uterus hates me? Maybe. Is it because my ovarian cysts came and kicked my Rass two weeks ago? Maybe. Is it because I'm due and I always get really really really psychotic when I'm due for my monthly visitor? Probably.
I've had this problem for awhile now. In January of 1992 my father moved to Texas while my mother, sister, and I stayed behind to sell the house. I was 10, a few months shy of 11. That's when some of my more depressionish tendancies started to come out. Everyone thought I would adjust after the move. I didn't. I had to be hospitalized. Nobody else noticed something particular about my mood dips and peaks, something I noticed after a few years. I have what is loosely defined as ovarian cysts. This means two weeks before every period I experiance some very nasty stabbing pain for a few days. I'll leave you to figure out why, or you can email for an explination if you're that brave and have a strong enough stomach for it. I also have this issue where I go from just depressed to actually psychotic right before my period. I mean really psychotic. Throwing things, hitting, breaking things, suicidal thoughts... all of it, over the simplist things, like Jeff didn't change the litterbox or I didn't mash the potatoes enough for dinner. Small things like that set me off. I go back to my normal depressed state after I start my period. Jeff noticed this, and he brushes it off as me being a normal typical female, but I don't think normal typical females react quite this strongly right before their periods... I mean... do any of you have suicidal thoughts for no apparent reason right before your period? Every single month?
And imagine, this has been going on for over half my life. I started when I was 10, and while I didn't really have psychotic episodes until I was about 12 or 13, I would get really low.
I don't know why exactly I told all of you this, I just felt like updating and this is what popped in my head to talk about.
About the only interesting thing to happen is Jeff and I got a bed on Saturday. A real bed. We aren't sleeping on the floor anymore, which is nice. It's a king size bed, which I don't like because I feel incredibly small in it, but it's what Jeff wanted. And I understand why he wanted it because he's really too big to fit comfortably on even a queen, but still... now it means we sleep on opposite ends the bed, so even when he's in it, I don't feel like I'm sleeping in a bed with somebody. I feel lonely, at least until 6 or 6:30 when Alex climbs out of her bed and wakes me up. I drag her in our bed with me and she lays there for about half an hour before she wants either of us to get up. That's nice. Because she lays curled up right beside me and sometimes she puts her little hands on my cheeks and says, in a very happy baby sigh, "Mumum". That feels good. It makes my heart happy.
Also, changed my lj icon. See it? That right up there? Yeah. I used to be able to do that. I miss doing that. It was calming. It was relaxing. It cleared my mind. For an hour a week I was perfectly happy. And all because I was on the back of a horse and we were sailing through the air over these massive jumps. It's as close as I've ever come to flying, showjumping is. Sometimes I feel so stiffled I want to go spend the rather large amount of money that we don't have on the lessons again, just so I can be happy for that one hour, just so I can do something right, just so I can fly. It's the best high I've ever had.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-25 05:10 pm (UTC)No, I have never had that, but then, I don't even feel normal PMS. I just get bloated and kind of horny. Have you ever been on birth control pills? That might calm your hormones down. Or maybe not -- not sure what the reaction of the ovarian cysts would be.
Did you buy the new bed at the big mattress store near you apartment?
Re:
Date: 2003-02-25 05:42 pm (UTC)And don't worry, I tend to plan my outings around that time of month anyway. When I get my icky problems, I don't want to go out so I don't plan to. :)
That was the great thing about being pregnant. No cyst pain (only baby-poking-bladder issues) and for some odd reason, no hormonal psychotic episodes. I had my odd hormone rushes with jagged oddly timed crying spurts (like at Hallmark commercials) but nothing bad. Go figure.
Be glad you don't suffer even normal PMS. It's not pretty.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-25 06:00 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-02-26 05:30 am (UTC)But thanks for the idea, so once I get health insurance, that is something I will definately talk to my doctor about.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-25 05:30 pm (UTC)*hugs*
Re:
Date: 2003-02-25 05:44 pm (UTC)And I wouldn't call throwing up because of cramps "that's it". That's pretty icky and not fun itself.
Why, oh why, does nature make us go through all this just so we might some day bear children??? Why can't the men go through this?
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-25 09:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-25 08:46 pm (UTC)My sister-in-law had the same thing you did and I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to suggest to you that hasn't been suggested already.
Hey! I'm still iced in and they closed our offices again. Basically, I don't have to go to work at all this week if I don't want to.
Re:
Date: 2003-02-26 05:33 am (UTC)As for your son, you don't have to carry a child for that child to be your own. I'm of the belief that every child is born for a certain set of parents, and whether that child is born of those parents or brought to those parents by somebody else, it doesn't matter because they were meant to be there.
I know how you feel girly
Date: 2003-02-25 09:20 pm (UTC)Re: I know how you feel girly
Date: 2003-02-26 05:37 am (UTC)I'll give you a ring about 3 on your cell and we'll work something out. And hey, we had meatloaf last night too! Of course, Jeff didn't put it in the refridgerator like he was supposed to after I went to bed so I had to dump over half a perfectly good meatloaf down the disposal this morning.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-26 02:12 am (UTC)I give all my feminine sympathy in regards to PMS and the ovarian cysts. *hugs*
Alex is as adorable as ever, she's so lucky to have you as her Mum. :)
I had no idea you used to showjump, I've always wanted to do that, its so amazingly KEWL.
Re:
Date: 2003-02-26 05:39 am (UTC)Alex is adorable. She slept in bed with me last night, but more on that in an actual journal update a bit later.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-26 07:14 am (UTC)do any of you have suicidal thoughts for no apparent reason right before your period?
I frequently did, but then I tend to be depressed anyway.
There's actually an awful lot you can do nutritionally to attenuate your symptoms. My PMS lifted quite a bit when I started stuffing myself with soy products. If you're ok with giving out your address, PM me at the Quill and I'll photocopy some pages of a book I have for you.
The only problem with healthy eating is that it's time consuming b/c you have to cook for yourself and expensive. At least soy milk is - the cheapest organic version I've found costs 90 cents per litre - far more than milk.
hang on in there! you don't have to be a victim, you've already shown more than enough strength in dealing with your life.
percival
I know I shouldnt but I will anyway
Date: 2003-02-26 07:45 am (UTC)*LOADS OF LAUGHS AND ROLLING ON FLOOR LAUGHING*
Because... dont kill me just yet;
"Is it because my ovarian cysts came and kicked my ****Rass*** two weeks ago?"
!go you!
Exspress that anger iceland style!!
now if you wish to kill maim burn, theres this house in WDC its big and white and theres a guy called bush.. you might know him, anywqays, please deliver as much pain as possible to him from me. Thank you ;*