(no subject)

I feel sick, very very sick. My stomach is quesy, but not so much that I can't eat or will throw up... it's just that uncomfortable I-might-throw-up-if-I-eat-too-much-or-the-wrong-thing-but-I-don't-know-what-that-is quesy. My head is pounding and I'm tired but I can't sleep. My dad got Alex this morning and let me sleep in, which I really very much appreciated. I didn't even wake up at all until 9:30! Normally I'm up at 7, and if I get to sleep in, I hardly ever sleep past 8 and I usually wake up at least once between going to bed and getting up in the morning. Ick. I feel sick.

Jeff has to turn down the job in Waco so we are now waiting out a job in Houston. And still living apart. And still in this awful situation. For details on why we had to turn down the job, go to his livejournal. Here. Have a link. dexterslabs

That sucks because I was actually looking forward to moving to Waco. The schools were okay, and I'd be supplementing Alex's future schooling with home education as well, seeing as the schools around here aren't great either, and we are living in the supposedly best school sytem of the entire Houston area. Bah to them. Waco was not as humid. It was a pretty town, with hills and lots of trees. We found two great apartments we wanted to live in. We'd be on our own, together again, our single family unit, free to be our own family and not just members of other families, which is what we are now. And poor Alex is caught in the middle of this tug of war and she just doesn't understand. And I can't explain it to her. How do you explain to a 14 month old that Daddy can't be here all the time because he doesn't have a job? You can't, so she's confussed and unhappy.

We went to Jeff's sister's wedding last night. It was a beautiful ceremony. The flowers were a lovely purple and white, and her dress was just gorgeous. Everybody was so happy. And I got depressed thinking about it all. Her husband's family is wonderful and they just love my sister-in-law. My in-laws just adore her husband. Everybody was happy and it was a truely joyous event and it was all so very pretty. She married a good man, and hopefully he'll keep her on the right track, so that's great. I got depressed because I can't have that. My father can't afford a wedding like that right now, and if he could, I wouldn't want to ask him to pay for it because he's got so much else to worry about monetary wise these days... what with my sister needing money all the time, Alex and myself living here and adding to the bills, my grandmother needing money for the nursing home... it's a whole mess and he gives it all without a word of complaint even though I know things are strecthing tight and he's had to give up all his vacation plans for this year. But he never says anything. He just pushes on and gives it away like a real trooper. I love my Daddy for that. But he can't afford a pretty wedding like that, and if he could, it wouldn't be the happy and joyous event I attended last night. Jeff's parents have accepted the fact that I'm not going anywhere and they are good to me now, finally, so they'd at least not say anything at our wedding. But my mother hates Jeff right now... she downright hates him, and I know she would attend for public appearances and she wouldn't say anything during the wedding, but I know she would fight every step of the way to keep that wedding from taking place, and she'd fight every step of the way after it... either that or she'd just let me know how disapointed in me she is and how she always expected much better from me than this. She's good at that. All my life I've been trying to make my mother happy, to live up to what she wanted me to be, and all my life I've been letting her down. My sister, I know, would either not attend out of protest or she would stand up during the wedding and give reasons why she feels we should not be married. She hates Jeff too. I have very few friends and even fewer family who would or could or would even want to attend my wedding. It would just be horrible to look at the guests at my own wedding and see four or five people on the left for me, and the crowd on the right for Jeff. His extended family is great (his aunts, uncles, and cousins) and they all seem to like me. But no matter how much they support us in this, my wedding would be ruined if my father was the only one from my family there to support me, if he was to give me away and then sit down alone. It's not even really worth it, and it just saddens me that I will never be able to have that perfect wedding. Instead I'll be going to the justice of the peace with my best friend and his best friend as witnesses and that will be that. No wedding, no party, no big celebration with friends and family.

I never really wanted a big wedding in the first place, especially since I'm not religious. All that planning and hassle to get everything organized seems like too much trouble, but then to see the kind of wedding my sister-in-law had... it really makes me ache and long for that. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have had such a perfect night.

Enough ranting about all this. I'm going to go take some more Tylenol and hope my head stops hurting. At least I'm not so quesy anymore... I think that toast helped some. :)