So now what?

I don't know what to say. This will likely be a very hard to follow ramble that will change directions constantly. Right now I'm so angry I want to scream and cry at the same time. I want to break something, I'm that angry. Unfortunately, if I scream it will just make life worse instead of better, as it would wake up Alex and my parents, so all I can do is cry. I can't break anything since, if it doesn't belong to my parents, than it is one of the very few possessions Jeff and/or I own and therefore cannot be broken for the inability to replace it. And that just makes me angrier. Because the inability to replace things, and the inability to look around and see things that aren't my parents, are some of the reasons I'm so angry. I'm shaking so hard that every time I try to hit the ' key I end up shifting first and making it "... if any of those randomly pop up, I apologize for them now, as well as for any spelling mistakes. I'm a fast typer, but I'm shaking so I hit the wrong keys. I'm trying not to be angry. I don't know if this is a situation in which I have the right to be angry... either way, I am. Jeff is at Computer Pro (his friend's shop, from now on I will refer to it as CP) again. He worked his butt off up there all weekend because his friend is a complete and total idiot and arsehole. 20,000 someodd magazines to mail out by today and they arrived Friday because he ordered them too late. 20,000 someodd magazines to fold, tape shut in the corners, and label because the friend is too stupid to do his research and find the easiest and cheapest way to set up his magazine for mailing. 600 someodd magazines per box. 33 boxes. One weekend, very little help. Jeff worked his butt off to make sure everythign would be ready by this morning. He spent 20 hours up there yesterday working on it. And what does his friend do? Forgets to strap the boxes of magazines closed, so they don't get mailed until tomorrow at the earliest. CP owner wasn't even there to help fold, tape, and label. CP owner just had to take his daughter to A-kon and stay all weekend, conviently avoiding most of the work. Jeff swore when he got home at 5 this morning that he wasn't going near CP for the rest of today and all of Tuesday. Where is he now? CP. He had some stuff he wanted to do, and after visiting his grandmother, he took me to CP against my will so I could drive the car home since he's not supposed to have it. He's not supposed to have it because he doesn't have insurance and he lost his driver's license. He can't go get a new driver's license because he has a warrent out on himself because he didn't bother to pay a stupid ticket. Now he doesn't have the money to pay off the warrent because he's too damn lazy to file his taxes and pay the stupid thing so he can get insurance and a new license so he can drive the stupid car. He can't get the $600 any other way because any money he gets he spends on cigarettes, fast food, and candy all for himself instead of saving it up bit by bit. He makes no money at CP. He spends all his time there working on stuff for his friend, and gets only gas money and cigarette money for it. I hate that he smokes, but I can't change it, so I don't try. I make him smoke outside, and I'd make him brush his teeth and wash his hands before coming to bed (as I'm allergic to tobacco and a number of the chemicals produced in cigarette smoke), but I'm too tired to make him do so at 3 in the morning. My car is having issues. The battery died and it wouldn't start this morning, so Jeff jump started it tonight to see if he could get it to run. It ran, he turned it off, waited, and turned it back on. It ran again, no problem. So we drove it to Jeff's grandmother's house (she lives about 2 miles away, really close) and it ran fine, and it started fine. He decides he wants to go to CP and doesn't give me any say in whether I get to go home and go to bed, he just drives there. He was driving mainly because I was too tired to trust myself driving home... well... I'm so angry now that I can't sleep, so that's not a problem anymore. Anyway, CP is a good 10 to 15 miles away, so he drove this and expected me to drive home at 10:30 at night in a car that is having issues. I have him drive fairly often because I hate driving with him as a passenger. He makes me feel like I'm a stupid driver who is pissing everybody in the world off with the way I drive, and I hate making people mad... I don't know if I make people mad with the way I drive... I don't speed, I use my turn signal, I merge with other cars nicely, I don't tailgate, I don't cut people off... but he still makes me feel like I'm an horrible driver, so I let him drive a lot. So he's at CP. He doesn't know when he'll be home. He doesn't know when he'll go to bed, nor when he will get up tomorrow morning. He doesn't ever know, and he hates that I ask him. He hates that I want him up around 10 every morning. He hates that I want him home with his family at night rather than out with his friends at CP. He hates it so he doesn't do it. He stays out if he wants to. He goes where he wants to when he wants to if he's driving, whether I want to go or not. He gets out of bed when he feels like it, unless he absolutely has to be at CP for something. If he has to watch the baby so I can go run errands without her for once, he tells me to put it off until later, but I can't do any of the housework because the vaccuum will wake him up, or the dryer buzzer will wake him up... I have to do it all on his schedule. He should be at CP at 10 every morning, but he never gets up until noonish, except on Wednesdays when he has to be there because nobody else will be there. He expects me to drive him there as soon as he's ready. I can't shower before he goes, I can't eat before he goes, I can't finish household chores before he goes. He wants me to stay at home all morning in case he gets up early so I can take him right when he gets up. I took two friends to the airport on Thursday and he was very angry with me for not being there when he woke up to take him to CP. He wasn't always like this... at least not at first. I don't know what happened, but he's changed a lot. He's supposed to be getting paid $800 a month for doing so much work for CP, and he's happy that he might get paid by them. I did a budget... we can't live on $800 a month. It's impossible. Even if I only eat one meal a day and leave three healthy meals for Alex, we can't afford it. He says we could easily afford to live on $800 a month if I didn't spend so much money. He didn't used to make me feel stupid. He didn't used to make me feel worthless. He didn't used to make me feel like I'm nothing, like this is the best I'm going to get, like I deserve this life. He didn't used to make me feel stupid. He used to treat me right. He used to compliment me. He used to make me feel like something special. I want the man I fell in love with back. I want back the man I was willing to have a baby with. We aren't even married... not really. We declared common-law awhile ago, but we never went to the justice of the peace to get an actual marriage certificate. He kept promising me we would... he was even saving up for the certificate and bloodwork for awhile... but then he spent that money on a computer part he wanted that he found on sale and now it's all gone. But then, with the way he's been lately, I'm glad we never did it, and if he tried to take me down there now, I wouldn't go. I hate CP. I hate that it's taking him away from his family. I hate that he loves it so much. Is it wrong for me to hate the fact that he found something he loves to do? He can't support us from CP, and he won't let me go get a job so we can move out and pay bills because he won't stay home with Alex. He said he won't stay home, that he's going to work at CP no matter what. Somebody has to watch the baby, otherwise my job would be pointless as we'd still be living with my parents and not able to pay our own bills because all my paycheck would go to childcare, and since he doesn't earn any money... well... there you have it. Is it even worth it anymore? He doesn't care. He says he does, but he doesn't. He can't. He can't love me and do this to me all at the same time. And I've told him how I feel... I even did the whole "When you do this, I feel this" bit so he wouldn't feel I was attacking him, but it didn't work. All he said was "No I don't. What you feel is wrong. Change it." He doesn't think we have a problem. He thinks I have a problem. I hate CP. He only started to act like this when he started working there. I hate that he seems willing to sacrifice his family on a business that is bordering on going under. Lately, I hate him. I resent him... I resent him for everything. But I really don't have him to blame, do I? Really, when you get right down to it, it's my fault. I let him do this to me, right? I let him walk all over me because I'm afraid of making him angry, because I hate making people angry. It's my fault for the way my life is because I just want everyone to be happy, so I do my best to make everyone happy, but something gives eventually and Jeff gets angry no matter what. In the end, it really is my fault, isn't it? Y'know... I don't know why I even bother asking questions. Nobody reads my live journal. Jason left, and nobody reads it anymore. I could probably just disapear, from SugarQuill, from my LJ, and from commenting on everybody else's LJ, and I bet nobody would even notice. And I'm still crying... and it's all because Jeff is at Computer Pro. God, how stupid am I?