(no subject)

So I thought I was handling everything okay. Sometimes I think I am and sometimes I'm not so sure. I go through these periods where all I do is cry, and then sometimes I'm just really sad and noncommunicative. Sometimes I'm unusually happy, laughing and playing around like nothing happened. Sometimes I want to be alone, sometimes I want to be surrounded by people. And it all changes instantly without any warning. I'm not handling this half as well as my sister is. She's mostly okay with it all. For some reason I'm the one having all the problems. My mother is holding up like a trooper. She's worried about me, though, so she may only appear to be holding up when she's talking to me on the phone because she doesn't want to upset me even more.

I go through periods where I wish I had gone with my parents and periods where I'm glad I didn't. I just can't seem to figure out what I'm feeling most of the time. It's driving me nuts.

Even baking cookies isn't helping, and that's my usual calming coping mechanism. I bake. It's not working.

I did recieve a wonderful phone call from a certain lovely friend of mine currently residing in Switzerland (though she may have moved on by now, I think she's due in London soon, to meet up with Hildi and Jazzqueen, yes?). She made me feel so much better, and it was just a short phone call. I love her to pieces and I miss her so much. My trip in March-ish... maybe as late as April, or earlier than March... whenever I manage to get the fundage to visit her, well, it'll be extremely hard to leave, I'm sure of it. I don't know what I'd do without her, I really don't.

I've gotten emails from so many of you, and that helps too. Just, for some reason, I can't seem to make myself reply... so I'll say a brief thank you here and I will eventually get around to replying.