I just... it just... *sigh*

Well, I'm not overly surprised, but it finally happened. I was hoping it wouldn't. I was hoping it would hold off for a little while. Things were going good. Jeff was job hunting every single day, even on the weekends. He did the online search on the weekends, and the out and about the town on the weekdays. His tax checks finally came in, as well as some money from doing some contract work for a company for a short time. So we have some money that we are dilligently saving. His driver's license came, and it's actually a decent picture. We are getting along with his parents better and seeing them more. I worked something out with a friend of mine. She's moving back to the area and has a daughter not much older than Alex. They like each other and play together nicely, about as much as 1 year olds can. She can't afford daycare, so I said I would gladly babysit her daughter while she was at work for only $75 a week... that's half the price of a daycare center, plus she knows her daughter is getting loving care and one on one attention while I was able to bring in some money. Things were looking up.

But then last night happened. My parents sat us down to talk after Alex went to bed. I am welcome to stay, they said, because I've lived up to my end of the bargain when we moved in. I'm welcome to stay, but Jeff has to go. They are kicking Jeff out. The reasons make sense. He doesn't have a job. He had a crap ass job before that didn't make much money, and he got fired from it (poor attitude, they said, but really it was that the manager didn't like Jeff and wanted to hire his own son instead) and they didn't like that. So he hasn't found a job yet and my parents feel like he's using them, and they won't support him anymore, so he has until the first weekend in August to get out. But I'm welcome to stay. Jeff will probably be crashing with a friend of ours for awhile. He has a lead on a job... a good tech job, stable and well paying. His dad's office is hiring techs and they are holding one last position for Jeff, as soon as he gets his A+ certification, he's got an interview and a 90% chance of being hired. And he's taking the exams Tuesday. But he's still getting kicked out. My parents are splitting up my family. Jeff will move out, and it will be a few weeks before we can move in somewhere else. We've got about $2000 saved right now, ready to be put down on an apartment as soon as he gets a job that can cover the bills for the rest of the time, plus my $75 a week from babysitting. But I'm still going to be seperated from him. He's being forced to leave his wife and his daughter, and there isn't anything we can do about it. He knows I won't pull Alex out of this house until we have a place of our own lined up, and he wouldn't even think about asking me to come with him yet, so that's it... he's out. He'll be gone soon. And I know it won't be for too long. And I know it's not really the end of the world (it just feels like it). I know people have worse problems than I do, like poor Emo who's father is lying in the hospital in a coma... that's much worse than this. But still... it's going to be hard. I'll wake up every night and wonder why he's not in bed. In my half asleep state, I'll go wandering the house looking for him until I remember he doesn't live with me anymore. Alex will still look for him every morning and afternoon. She'll still point to our room and say "Dada!" and she'll still try to climb into my bed to wake him up. But he won't be there. Because he won't live with us anymore. And I hate it. I can't hate my parents for kicking him out, because their reasons make sense. But I can't help but get the feeling that my mother's main motivation in doing this is to seperate me and Jeff. She doesn't like him. She used to like him, but she doesn't now... for very much the same reasons Jeff mother doesn't really like me (but at least she's polite and civil and even sometimes nice now). I know in her mind the longer we are apart the more likely I will not move in with him later. But that's not true. She wanted, for awhile, to pay to move me and Alex to Virginia with my sister so she could get me away from Jeff, but it wouldn't work. I wouldn't go then, and I won't go now, and even if I did, he'd follow. My sister is of the belief that he wouldn't go that far just to see his daughter, but I know he would. He wouldn't give up his daughter just because she lived in another state. I'm not giving up on us. No matter how long it takes, when either he or I make enough to secure an apartment, I'm moving in with him. If I'm the one that gets it, he's moving back in with me. We are family. I love him and I'm not going to leave him. He is my husband, in everything except the legal paper documents. He is Alex's father. And he loves her, and he loves me. And we will not be pulled apart. I worked too hard to hold this relationship together when we were having problems because of his friend's business. I'm not giving up now.

But still... he's being forced to move out. He's being forced to leave. And I won't have him with me for however long it takes to make enough money. Money. I hate money. It really is the root of all evil. It's what is driving us apart, working through my parents. It is what causes most marriages these days to dissolve. But it won't cause mine. I won't let it. But I still hate it. Everything is valued by money. Money money money. Money makes the world go around. You can't get by without money. You can't live without money. You have nothing if you don't have money... and I hate it. I despise it. I will never like it. I will never love it. But I will always be it's slave.

I'm crushed. All hope, all determination, all fight... all everything has been crushed out of me. I can't win. Nothing goes right. Just when things start to get good, it all gets bad again. The good doesn't get a chance to make it even remotely good, and the bad just keeps getting worse. My god, will it ever get better? Will I ever be allowed to have my family? Or will I forever remain just an irresponsible, stupid, submissive, and beaten statistic? I have nothing... and what little I have is slowly being taken away. I had my family, but I don't even have that anymore. Will it ever stop? I just want my family back. I feel defeated. I've been... the best thing I can come up with is destroyed. I've been destroyed. There isn't anything else to say.