queenriley: (Default)
[personal profile] queenriley
Title: The Bad Idea
Fandom: My So-Called Life
Rating: G
Summary: I have a lot of bad ideas, but this one was, like, monumentally bad. (Brian/Rickie)
Written ages upon ages ago for [livejournal.com profile] mrsronweasley. Might have posted it here? But we're talking years ago and I don't feel like digging pre-tags. So (possibly) reposting.
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. I'm only visiting their sandbox for a little while.

Sometimes, you just have bad ideas, and it doesn't even seem important enough to care, you know? Like, haven't you ever acted on a bad idea? Or, like, something? I have a lot of bad ideas, but this one was, like, monumentally bad. And I acted on it anyway even though I could, like, rationalize how bad an idea it was, you know? And it didn’t seem to matter at the time. I didn’t care. Until I did it. And then I realized just how stupid I am. Which is why I’m hiding out in the band room. Again.

I kissed Rickie Vasquez. I don’t even know why. He’s kind of like my best friend or something. I mean, I don’t know really. We hang out a lot. He comes over to my house. He met my parents. He even laughed with my mom at my bar mitzvah pictures, but not in that condescending way that some people do, you know? He was, like, nice about it. Sometimes he takes me to his place. It was, I don’t know, weird? At first. Being in, like, a teacher’s apartment? But I kinda got used to it. We went out to the movies a couple times, when nobody else wanted to go. But that didn’t mean anything, didn’t mean I should kiss him. But I did it anyway. I don’t even know when I started thinking about him as something else. I don’t know what… changed. Maybe it was all the time together, just the two of us. Maybe it was when we watched that sex tape? I don’t know. But it happened, it crept in, and I didn’t know what else to do about it.

What was I thinking? I mean, I kissed Rickie Vasquez! In school! In the boy’s bathroom of all places! He was just standing there and I was washing my hands and he was putting on that eye stuff that he likes to wear. I don’t even know why he was in the boy’s bathroom. Usually he’s hanging out with Angela. But he was there. Right next to me. And he was talking. I don’t even remember what he said. He was just talking and I couldn’t stop looking at that stuff around his eyes, which made me look at his eyes, which made me lose my mind! They’re like chocolate. His eyes look like this chocolate sauce my mom used to make. She’d let me dip apples in it when I was a kid, but only on Rosh Hashanah, and it was the best stuff I’ve ever tasted. And then I had to wonder, does Rickie taste like chocolate? Sometimes he smelled like chocolate and old books. It was intoxicating. Maybe he would taste just as intoxicating. I’d kissed Delia and she tasted like French fries, but she worked at that burger place so that was probably why.

I had to look at his lips, anywhere but his eyes. They were moving so fast but I still couldn’t tell what he was saying. I didn’t care. I couldn’t think about anything else but if he would taste like chocolate or not. It was a bad idea. I guess I knew it was a bad idea. But I didn’t care. I’d thought about kissing him before, for awhile now, but I never actually, you know, thought about really doing it. Not for real anyway. But today, today I just, like, HAD to do it. It was, like, imperative to my survival. Or something.

I grabbed his shoulder. My hands were still wet and I left a handprint on his jacket. I don’t remember actually doing it. It was like my mind went blank. His lips were soft, softer than I thought they’d be. He smelled like old books and paint, like Mr. Katimski’s place. He didn’t stop me, didn’t pull back or anything. I don’t know how long I stood there kissing him. Probably not long. I kind of panicked. My brain started working and it screamed at me in my head. So I stopped. And looked at him. His forehead was all wrinkled and his mouth was doing that open and close thing people do when they can’t think of anything to say, like a fish does. He took a breath and let it out, but still didn’t say anything. So I did. The only thing I could think of.

“You don’t taste like chocolate.” It was the stupidest thing and of course it was the only thing my brain supplied. I turned and ran. I couldn’t stand the silence while my brain screamed at me for what I’d done. So I ran and ended up here, in the band room. It was the closest empty room I could think of where nobody would find me.

Oh God, what did I do? I probably just ruined, like, the only real friendship I ever really had. I mean, just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he wants to kiss every boy in school or anything. Use your brain, Brian! God, what were you thinking? Well that’s easy; I wasn’t thinking. I don’t know why I did it, what came over me. I just couldn’t stop myself. He smelled so good and his eyes looked like chocolate and I had to know what he tasted like. And I don’t even know why I had to wonder if he’d taste like chocolate. Just because his eyes look like chocolate doesn’t mean he’ll taste like chocolate! I’m so stupid.

I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. I let out a deep breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. My head hit the brick and it actually felt good, so I did it again. Maybe it’d knock some sense into me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What a bad idea. How could I have ever thought that would be a good thing to do? Stupid idea!

“It’s not stupid, Brian. It wasn’t a bad idea.” He was standing right there, in the doorway. Had I said that stuff out loud? He must have heard. He closed the door and walked towards me.

“It’s okay.” He made his voice go all soft, comforting, like he’s talking to a caged animal or something. Which I guess I kind of, like, am. I ran out on him, after all. Who does that?
Normally this is where I’d babble. About like, stupid stuff that nobody really cares about, you know? But not this time. Rickie never made me babble, out loud anyway. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He has that little smile on his face that makes him look like a little boy or really innocent or something. The one that makes his eyes go all sparkly and shine really bright. I can’t speak when he looks at me with that smile.

But then I didn’t have to speak. I couldn’t even think anymore. Rickie kissed me. He kissed me back and my brain stopped working. But that’s okay. I had to concede the point. He was right. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.


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May 2012

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